Hello, ladies and gentlemen! It’s lovely to be here, and grand to be performing in the historic Wiltern Theatre in sunny Las Vegas! (Applause from the audience) Yes! Yes it is! It’s lovely and grand! Yes!

 

Tonight, you are in for a treat. Tonight, I present to you my life in a marvellous musical spree – the highs and lows, the “do rei me far sos” – and of the course, what else but the music – the music that has defined a career, and an era. A career-a, if you will.

 

(Singing) Doe! A deer! A female deer!

Ray! A drop of golden sun!

Me!

 

Allow me to take you back in time a while, to before the Julie Andrews here today was the Julie Andrews here today.

 

Just imagine, a little girl in ringlets sitting in the third row of Brighton Odeon. Staring up at the gleaming silver screen, all the greats parading across her imagination. Dear little Shirley Temple… the radiant Judy Garland… and the ever effervescent, Betty Boop! – powerful entertainers, icons of glamour, masters of their craft! An inspiration to all, to that impressionable young girl with strawberry blonde hair in that third row…

 

Imagine, then, that same little girl ascending the steps of the podium of the 37th Academy Awards, to collect my own little golden man. That same girl, looking out at the crowd of stars, from the same eyes that once adored them all on the silver screen. It was then I knew I stood aside dear Shirley, and Judy, and Boop! I knew that I had found my home.

 

(Singing) Um diddle, diddle diddle, um diddle ay

Um diddle, diddle diddle, um diddle ay

Supercalifragalisticexpialadocious!

If you say it loud enough you’ll always sound precocious!

Supercalifragalisicexpialadocious!

 

The doorbell rings.

 

Oh my! Is it that time for our special guest already? Shall we have a look and see, ladies and gentlemen?

 

The crowd explodes in rapturous applause. Julie opens the door. A horrible, twisted creature stands in silhouette: JEREMY THE SLOTH. The crowd goes bananas.

 

Come here you. Come on…

 

Julie picks up Jeremy and carries him to a chair on stage. The crowd thunder applause. Julie smiles wryly. Jeremy stares blankly, useless.

 

My goodness, ladies and gentlemen, it’s my dear friend Jeremy, the Three-Toed Sloth! (Crowd applauds) Now, you may be wondering why I’m on a world tour with a three-toed sloth named Jeremy. Do let me explain.

 

Jeremy is a very fortunate sloth. I rescued him from the wilds of Madagascar while on a conservation fundraiser – why should Audrey have all the fun, eh!

 

Now, I took Jeremy to my friends at Disney-land, and they discovered that Jeremy is a very special sloth. They discovered that he is in fact magical. Jeremy can speak, which is highly unusual in sloths. He knows a grand total of three human words. First word is… (Pulls out a banana from her pocket) Come on. What’s the word? First word?

 

Beat.

 

… Jeremy.

 

Very good! Wonderful! Clever boy! (She allows him a bite of banana) We’ve actually been working on getting him to say “Julie”. We’ve come quite far. Shall we show everyone? C’mon… it would make me ever so happy… (She takes away the banana) Your name is…

 

… Jeremy.

 

My name is…

 

… Jeremy.

 

Close enough! (Crowd applauds. Another bite of banana) Now, his second learned word is… The second word isss… Second please… Sssssecond…?

 

Jeremy reaches for the banana, just out of his clawed grasp. He is agitated.

 

… Ssssstop.

 

That’s what he says when he’s had too many bananas. Which he never does, because he’s a greedy little thing, aren’t you? (Another bite of banana) Greedy. And the third word is…

 

Canada.

 

He’s not actually from Canada. He’s from Madagascar, but we work with what we’ve got don’t we? (She gives Jeremy the rest of the banana) I work with my (sings) “Do rei me far so ti la dooooo”! And Jeremy works with what he’s got…

 

Canada.

 

Mm. Yes. (Singing) Raindrops on roses and whiskers on…

 

Beat. Jeremy is eating the banana. Julie gestures at him encouragingly. Jeremy stops eating. Beat.

 

... Jeremy.

 

Bright copper kettles and warm woolen…

 

Beat. Julie gestures again. Jeremy stops eating. Longer beat.

 

... Jeremy.

 

Brown paper packages tied up with strings.

These are a few of my favorite…

 

Beat. Julie gestures wild encouragement. Jeremy stops eating. The longest beat ever.

 

Canada.

 

He loves it there, he just loves it.

 

(Manically) Oh, The Sound of Music! That does take me back to the swinging Sixties. Mod dresses! Beatles-mania! Vespas! It was hip to the British, and my career was on fire. I was shit hot, as they said. They didn’t call me “Asbestos Julie” for nothing! Why, there was nothing this thoroughly modern girl couldn’t do!

 

(Singing) Cos the fact is!

Everything today is thoroughly modern

Check your personality

Everything today makes yesterday slow

Better face reality

Beat those drums

Cos here she comes

Beat those drums cos here comes

Thoroughly modern Millie now!

 

Jeremy farts horrendously and loudly.

 

Jeremy! Oh you are very wicked and rude. I do apologize. But what is theatre without the sounds, and the smells! OOOOHH! That is stringent, Jeremy. Stringent. Umph!

 

You know, I’ve been quite blessed to have many famous friends over the years /

 

(Unexpectedly quickly) Jeremy?

 

Yes, you’re one of them. I have also had a very long and enduring friendship with the beloved Audrey Hepburn for many many years, ever since she was cast as my role of Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady. But that’s alright, no chips on these shoulders, because now I have my good friend Oscar, and she has… well… she’s in Africa. And that’s a very dusty dirty place at the best of times, so I think it’s clear who was the real winner there.

 

Jeremy sneezes obnoxiously three times.

 

Of course, it hasn’t all been roses. Things have been… hard. The past is a tricky place. But every time I’ve turned my back, the lure of the stage… the thrill of the limelight, the thunder of applause… they had hooked themselves into my heart. I knew then that this was my home – among all of you – bringing my light and my life into yours.

 

(Singing) All I want is a room somewhere

far away from the cold night air

with one enormous chair

oh wouldn’t it be lovely?

Loverly?

Loverly…

Loverly?

 

(Keening and out of tune) Jeremyyyyyy…

 

Yes, well.

 

A magical musical tone plays.

 

Oh my! Who could that be? Could it be my dear friend, Mickey Mouse?

 

(Over the PA) Ho ha! Why, it is me, Julie! Ho ha! Gee Julie, you’re going great tonight! Great house, great crowd, great night! Would you do something really special for me, Julie?

 

Of course Mickey. Anything for you.

 

Could you sing my favorite song? Please? It would make me ever so happy…

 

Of course. Ahem! (Singing) Feed the birds, tuppence a bag /

 

No not that one.

 

Oh yes, quite right…

 

(Singing) Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

The medicine go do-wn. Medicine go down.

Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

In the most delightful way.

 

Ho ha! That’s great! I hope you’re good care of Jeremy for me! He’s the sweetest, gentlest, kindest creature imaginable! Just like me! Ho ha!

 

Hmm.

 

Don’t forget Julie, it’s time for you to send all these lovely people out to intermission! Ho ha!

 

Oh that’s right! It’s intermission time ladies and gentlemen! Outside you’ll find plenty of wonderful snacks and treats, including posh badges like mine, as well as a collection of my greatest hits on cassette /

 

And don’t forget, we’ve got all Julie’s classic films, now yours to own on Disney VHS and Betamax! Isn’t that swell?

 

Dandy Mickey. Just dandy. And you know what else would be just dandy? If we all just…

 

(Singing) Let’s go fly a kite!

Up to the highest height!

Oh let’s go… fly a kite!

 

Stop.

An electrical switch is thrown and the lights suddenly power down, throwing the stage into darkness.

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